Rapunzel
by Carebear Stare
Summary: This isn't a fairytale...
1. The end

A/N: Ok, I'm sorry for such a short, crappy beginning chapter. But it will get better. And a lot darker. So don't read if you can't read dark stuff. Read and Review please!

Summary: No one knew how she had a beautiful baby girl with eyes bluer than her own with golden hair. Or why the baby's name was Verity Ryan Cohen. No one in New York even knew her real last name was Cooper.

Disclaimer: I do not own The OC

* * *

Marissa Cohen sat rocking her baby's stroller in Central Park. As she watched her daughter sleep she remembered.

_The foursome of friends sat together at Summer's 22nd birthday dinner. She'd married Zach two years earlier and was a shadow of her former self, living in regret. He'd gone to Brazil the week before for work and he wasn't going to be back for another three months._

_Seth only there for Summer's birthday. He only ever saw her on her birthday. He sailed endlessly around the world, searching for that part of him. The part Summer had._

_Summer was sad. She hated the path she had chosen. The one her father approved of. Zach was good to her, he loved her, took care of her. But she didn't love him. No matter what she told herself._

_Marissa and Ryan were happy. Happier than they'd ever been before. They'd been married six months and Marissa was expecting. She hadn't told anyone yet, not even Ryan. She planned on telling everyone at dinner. _

_Ryan had changed his last name to Cohen when he turned eighteen. Kirsten and Sandy were his parents, by law, by name and practically by blood. He'd been glad to change his name, and leave the scars of the Atwood name behind._

"_I have some news," Summer said softly_

"_I'm dying and I'm leaving Newport. Tomorrow. I just wanted to see you all one last time. And say…I'm sorry…and I'll love you forever. I just won't be around to show it." she pushed back her chair and ran out of the restaurant. Marissa ran after her and Seth ran to the bathroom. But it was too late. Summer was gone._

_Ryan put his arms around Marissa and together they walked to the bathroom to check on Seth. But all they found was a locked door with a pool of blood seeping slowly from the other side._

Marissa picked up her baby and studied her face. She looked Verity's eyes and felt herself falling into the sapphire depths. Just as she used to fall into Ryan's.

"_I'm going to call the Cohen's, ok?" Marissa told Ryan, angrily brushing tears from her eyes. He slid down the bathroom wall and pulled his legs up to his chest._

"_Why did he leave me?" Ryan whispered, suddenly looking like the abandoned ten year-old his father had left._

_Marissa had never seen him look so vulnerable, so lost, so broken. She never wanted to._

Verity snuggled towards her mother and Marissa pulled her closer. She was all he had left behind. And he didn't know she existed. The baby closed her eyes and stretched in her cocoon of pink blanket. Summer had sent it. She had never forgiven herself for what Seth did. Marissa was sure her guilt was what conquered Summer's illness. And determination to live for him. And she was glad that she fought so hard. Summer, Sandy and Kirsten were the only ones she had now. And Verity of course.

Verity was beautiful. Her hair was a dusty blonde, blonder than Marissa's. And her eyes. Her eyes always received a compliment from strangers when they walked in the park. They were amazing, big like her mother's and shrouded with her father's secrecy. Marissa and Ryan both had dusty, blue eyes. But Verity's were indigo, sparkling and gaining sapphire and cornflower flecks when she laughed or smiled.

Her uncle Seth would've joked to Ryan that he'd need to take up baseball, so he could hit away all the boys who were after his baby. And I'll teach her to fight, he'd say. Ryan would probably laugh and say he'd have to hire Verity a body guard if Seth was her self defense teacher. They'd both agree that she wasn't to be allowed near a mall or tanning studio. But they weren't there to stop Summer and Kirsten buying baby Gucci, Ryan wasn't there to hold his daughter when she cried. Seth had gone, not believing life was worth it with the love of his life. And Ryan, Ryan had gone. After the funeral, he had gone for a walk and never returned.

So Marissa sat in New York City, three months after her daughter had been born. The one year anniversary of Seth's death, remembering the night they lost him, and Summer found the will to live. But in New York no one knew why she couldn't look at puddles. Why her bathroom door didn't have a lock. Why her baby's middle name was Ryan. No one in New York knew who she was. And that was the best way to forget.


	2. Bleeding in vain

A/N: so I know a lot of you didn't really get some of the last chapter, but it will all be revealed in due time. And also, I can't promise a happy ending for this fic and I'm pretty sure there will be another character death.

* * *

Marissa carefully put Verity back in her pram and began walking back to the apartment as the sun was setting.

_1 hour, 57 minutes_

She pulled the keys out of her pocket and walked into the apartment. The walls were painted cream and were covered with pictures of Verity, Ryan, Summer, Seth, Sandy and Kirsten. Only two pictures had Marissa in them. Her wedding photo and a photo of the day Verity was born. She slowly walked to a photo containing Seth, Summer and Ryan. She had taken it a perfect day that happened to long ago. That perfection didn't exist anymore. She touched the frame and whispered to her lost friend and love of her life.

"Allan Chalmers said** '**The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.' But I have all those things and I'm not happy." She touched each of their faces.

"Please come back," Verity started screaming from her stroller and her mother rushed over. Nursing her bawling baby, she glanced at the clock.

_1 hour, 42 minutes_

_Marissa had called the Cohen's from the men's bathroom, unable to leave the trembling Ryan, or tear her eyes form the slowly spreading puddle of crimson blood coming from her friend. Her dead friend. She bit the inside of her cheek as the tears came. She closed her eyes and breathed in. she held her breath and felt the lump in her throat and the fast, reluctant beat of her heart. She couldn't bear the smothering grief that had descended on her. She couldn't breathe. Suddenly tears were streaming down her face, and then they stopped, as abruptly as they had started. It was like when you cut yourself really badly. All you feel at the beginning is a second of the intense pain, then numbness. She couldn't feel anything at all. The pain would come later. She pushed herself into the place where the numbness coursed through her whole body. It was the equivalent of putting up a wall and you couldn't think while you were holding it up. But you could breathe. She shuddered and gasped in a lungful of air. Numb fingers dialed the Cohen residence and a tight voice told Sandy and Kirsten to get to the restaurant right away. When the wall is in place, it's hard to do anything. Anything but curl up in a ball and wish the darkness would just swallow you, instead of slowly gnawing. She sank down next to Ryan, barley registering the sounds of sirens. She didn't remember calling paramedics. She didn't offer him comfort, as he curled into a ball, resting his head on her lap. He was too far away for that and so was she._

The baby had stopped crying and was watching her mother who was looking into the past. The eyes are the windows to the soul. And Marissa Cohen's would've brought a man to his knees with the pain they projected.

_1 hour, 34 minutes_

Verity.

_1 hour, 30 minutes_

Truth.

_I hour, 28 minutes_

Her daughter.

_I hour, 24 minutes_

The only truth in the lies. Sanity in an insane world.

_1 hour, 19 minutes_

A world where their daughter was growing up without a father.

_1 hour, 13 minutes_

Without an uncle.

_1 hour, 8 minutes_

But she would he loved.

_1 hour, 2 minutes_

Love was a kind of truth.

_58 minutes_

Truth never perishes.

_55 minutes_

True love never dies.

_51 minutes_

Verity would always be there. Verity wouldn't leave her. She would be there to keep Marissa sane. To show her to truth from lies, the beauty in a world devoid.

_46 minutes_

And Ryan. Their love was true. His love for her had been her truth. He had been the strong one. But sometimes he couldn't be strong, and her love hadn't saved him.

_40 minutes_

Summer's love hadn't saved Seth. Summer thought it had killed him. That she had. But she hadn't. Seth had.

_37 minutes_

_Marissa hadn't moved for an infinite amount of time. She couldn't remember how long she'd been sitting there, with an ashen faced Ryan lying in her lap. Mesmirised by the advancing sea of blood, crimson and lifeless. Seth's blood. She was used to blood. Her right hip carried the scars of her intense fascination with blood. But she had never really seen other people's blood. And now she was sitting back pressed against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall while the lifeblood of her brother in law surrounded her. She saw Sandy and Kirsten and her wall cracked, letting in trickles of pain. _

_25 minutes_

Verity was silent. She looked up at her mother through a dark fringe of lashes. Complete trust and absolute love were evident in her expression.

_18 minutes_

An expression that wasn't often seen. Capable only of the innocent.

_12 minutes_

They had all lost their innocence too early.

_7 minutes_

She wasn't exactly sure when she lost hers, but she knew it wasn't the drinking or the partying. It was loving. And the hurt that came with it.

_4 minutes_

The hurt that meant she was bleeding inside.

_3 minutes_

The hurt that caused the crimson puddle.

_2 minutes_

The hurt that was sometimes too much to bear.

_1 minute_

Exactly a year since Seth had died. Of a broken heart. The inner bleeding had finally led to something much worse. And now Summer was bleeding. And so was she. And maybe Verity would one day bleed inside. But sometimes bleeding is all in vain.


	3. Flowers

A/N: Ok, for all of those you want to know what's happening, cool your jets. It will all be revealed in due time. And who didn't understand the countdown thing? I think it was pretty obvious at the end that it was counting down to the exact time of Seth's suicide. And I do not need to explain my story more, unlike some, I actually do write because I like writing, not for reviews. Though I do_ love_ reviews. Anyway, for all those who want Ryan back I can't promise anything, even though this is a RM story. The RM will be told mainly through flash backs and Marissa's thoughts though.

* * *

The phone rang. 

_Riiiiiiiiiiing_

Marissa picked it up. She closed her eyes as she answered the phone and blocked out the pain.

"Hi sweetie" she said softly. Summer just concentrated on breathing.

_The blood was staining her clothes. Innocent blood. Or maybe blood of lost innocence. Blood of a broken heart. _

"_She doesn't know,"_

_Marissa hadn't moved in over an hour. But Seth had. They had taken him away, so pale he was almost translucent. The blue of his veins cocooned him and him eyelashes made dark half moons under closed eyes. After they had taken his brother away Ryan threw up. And Marissa slowly felt ice spreading from her heart. She was beyond numb now. And so was Kirsten. She sat numbly between her only son and husband as sobs wracked their bodies. And her daughter-in-law sat in her son's blood._

_Marissa stood up. Blood dripped from her skirt. It stained red flowers on the tiles._

_Drip. Plop. Drip. Plop._

"_Summer," was all she said. Kirsten nodded._

_She walked though the restaurant, and her skirt swung with the weight of the blood. It rained flowers. _

Summer was sobbing too hard to speak. And what was even worse was how she could hear her best friend's tears. Even though she was trying her hardest to keep them silent.

Marissa felt her aching heart take more punches as Summer fought to breathe through her tears. Her tears rolled down her cheeks, and she didn't make a sound. She cried flowers.

_The pay phone was at the other end of the restaurant. She passed their table. _

_The table. _

_The Last Supper._

_Diners who hadn't been put off by the screaming of the ambulance and the still, still body of a snow white boy stared as a girl walked past them, white skirt swirling around her, dripping the boys blood. _

_She wiped her hands on her skirt before picking up the phone. But as she dialed her fingers left pale red prints on familiar numbers._

She had almost blonde hair. Some people called it dishwater blonde. Some people didn't like it. But he had.

He had loved it.

He loved her.

She was sure that she'd know if he was dead. But Summer hadn't.

_She picked up the phone after the third time it had rung to voice mail. She knew it had to be important if Marissa didn't leave a message. She knew it was something terrifying when the only message was tightly controlled breathing. She picked it up after the first ring._

"_Marissa, what is it?" the only reply was the same tight breathing. Marissa's grip tightened on the phone. Her fingers slid. There was no blood in her fingers. The tears started falling again._

"_Why are you crying? What happened?" _

"_Summer. You need to come back to the restaurant."_

"_Why? So you can all beg me not to leave? To tell me that you'll be there for me? That I'll pull through?_

"_I don't want to tell you this over the phone,"_

"_Just tell me. It's not like I have anything to live for anymore."_

"_Summer…Seth, Seth he's dead." She had to move. The flowers were turning into a puddle. She couldn't look at puddles. Summer didn't say anything. Marissa knew she had run from the phone. She could hear retching. But she didn't need to. And Summer didn't need her now. She hung up. _

She had to stop crying. A puddle was forming on the couch. She wiped it away. Summer was in the bathroom. The sound of her retching echoed down the phone.

Verity's hair wasn't almost blonde. It was dusty blonde.

Seth's hair was curly. Curly and dark. He would've said Verity's hair reminded him of the camping trip they had gone on before going to college. When he and Ryan had a dust kicking fight. And they had found "Smelly Joe's secret stash". Gold sparkles had swirled up with the dust and sparkled in the sunshine. He would've called his niece Smelly Joe. And Ryan would laugh and change her nappy.

Ryan's hair was sandy. Marissa used to complain that his hair had a better name than hers. And it wasn't fair. Especially since her hair looked better. He used to laugh. And say it wasn't anything like dishwater. It was almost blonde. And he loved it. She often wondered why her love wasn't enough. Enough for him to stay with her.

Wondered if he didn't love her enough to be there.

To share the pain.

To be the only son.

But in truth she knew that wasn't the reason.

The way Summer had known it wasn't the reason Seth had left that summer.

But Summer hadn't been able to forgive him.

And that was the hardest thing in the world. Not living without him. But living with herself.

_Marissa waited for Summer._

_She had hung up five minutes ago._

_Summer would be there in 56 seconds._

_Two minutes to finish throwing up._

_16 seconds of screaming._

_10 of sobbing._

_15 of cursing._

_7 of kicking._

_3 of hitting the wall._

_And 5 of silent tears._

_And three minutes to drive to the restaurant._

Verity squirmed as her mother's tears started falling on her face. They rolled down Marissa's cheeks, then down her daughter's. She was crying for both of them.

For all of them.

_Summer pulled up right outside the restaurant._

_Marissa was standing there, as she knew she would be. As soon as Marissa saw Summer her face crumpled. _

_It was like watching a piece of paper be screwed up in slow motion. _

_The crumpling made way for the huge suffocating sobs she had been smothering. Summer just hugged her. And Marissa hugged her back. Their tears stained each others clothes. Mascara clung to each tear._

_Black flowers fell on their shoulders._

Hindsight hurts.

It scars your heart and mind as you pick over events.

What you could've done.

What you should've said.

Summer had torn and bloodied her self so many times.

She hated herself.

For not forgiving him.

But sometimes, it was ok.

Sometimes she could forget.

Forget he was gone.

Forever.

_They walked through the restaurant together._

_Another stroll down the catwalk._

_When Kirsten saw them she collapsed against Sandy. Crumpled like a wet face cloth. And he slowly sank down next to Ryan. The Cohen's were huddled together in the corner of the men's bathroom._

_Next to Seth's blood._

_As she saw this Summer broke down._

_She clung to Marissa and wailed._

_And opened to gates for the flood of tears._

_And Marissa stood frozen and dry eyed as her family crumbled and crumpled._

_And she watched their tears become puddles. _

_And she closed her eyes._

_And ever so slowly, they began dying._

_Like flowers._


	4. Shards

Ryan91: You're a funny one. Whenever you compliment me my self esteem is crushed by the insult that follows.

Genevra: the only thing you're guilty of is writing great stories. And that's not even something to feel guilty about. Thank you so much for the really, really, really nice review.

* * *

An hour later she was on a plane. Heading back the sunny shores of California.

They all knew they wouldn't be able to be together on the one year anniversary.

Not without Ryan.

And if he wasn't there they would all fall and melt into a puddle of sadness and tears

And she couldn't bear puddles

She looked out the window and watched the lights of New York slowly be swallowed by the darkness.

_Ryan and Marissa stood together outside the departures gate. They weren't Ryan and Marissa. They hadn't been that for a long time. _

_They were a single noun._

_Not two. _

_They were RyanAndMarissa. Affectionately RyRissa to their family. _

_And as they stood together that's exactly what they were._

"_What will you miss most?" Marissa whispered into his shoulder. _

"_How we dance together. Do you remember our first dance? It was so long ago,"_

"_No, it was only a moment,"_

And a moment passed. And she fell asleep. And another series of moments began as she dreamt.

_**She dreamt of Seth.**_

_**And Summer**_

_**And Kirsten  
**_

_**And Sandy**_

_**And Ryan**_

_**And deep grayness **_

**_And soon they all faded into oblivion. And all she was left with were her ceaseless wails._**

Marissa woke when her dream wails turned into her daughter's hungry wails. She gave her a bottle of misty milk. The plane was wrapped in misty clouds. And below the blue of the ocean sparkled through. And Verity's eyes sparkled with the complete satisfaction of a baby with a bottle.

The plane began its decent.

Summer and Kirsten met her at the gates. Kirsten took Verity and held her close, looking at her grand-daughter, but seeing her son.

_The first time Seth had run away was when he was 4 years old. When the Cohen's had moved from Berkley the Orange County. He disappeared the moment he saw the house._

_But he was back 3 hours later. _

_The second time was when Ryan left._

_That time it took 3 months for him to come back._

_Marissa had seen him run. She's been hiding from her mother in a tree and had seen them arrive. Then he had turned and bolted away from the house. Ran right under her tree. She called out to him. The first time he stopped._

_The second he turned._

_And on the third he climbed up to sit beside her. _

"_I hate this place"_

"_Me too"_

"_I didn't want to move,"_

"_I'm Marissa,"_

"_Seth,"_

"_I didn't want to wear a dress with a million gazillion trillion bows on it. Or let mummy make my hair straight. I like it in piggies. And I don't like going to the grown up parties. So I hide in my tree,"_

"_Can we share it?"_

"_Sure. Daddy says I have to get used to sharing coz a new baby's coming soon and I'll have to share with it. But mummy says I won't have to share. But I don't mind sharing my tree with you. I like sharing really. Because then I'm not alone as much. Coz I'm sharing my stuff with someone,"_

"_Thank you very much Marissa." he siad carefully_

_"So, how old are you?'_

"_I'm four,"_

"_Me too,"_

"_Seth?"_

"_Yep?"_

"_I'm not going to marry anyone who lives here,"_

"_How will you meet them then?"_

"_I don't know, maybe he'll just be there one day, at the end of my driveway or something…"_

"_Maybe,"_

"_But if I don't I'll marry you ok? So I won't live here and we can both go somewhere else, like Afcira, ok?"_

"_Ok then," said Seth with a smile._

"_Here, keep this so you don't forget," she said handing him a navy blue ribbon with a pattern of red sailboats._

"_I won't, I promise,"_

"How are you sweetie?"

"Yeah Coop, how's life in the big apple?"

"I'm fine. New York is great, how are you two?"

"I'm fine,"

"Me too,"

"You look a bit washed out honey, are you sure you're ok? I mean, taking care of a baby all by yourself in a new city…we'd love to have you anytime if it's too hard"

"Thanks Kirsten, but I really am fine. But I'll be sure to bring Verity out here, and visit you guys,"

"Ok, if you're sure"

"I am, I'm fine,"

Something Marissa knew was that if you keep telling people you're fine, eventually they'll believe you. Even if you've been shot in the chest.

And you're bleeding to death.

Even if you feel like throwing up because you're standing under a number three.

Even if you haven't been able to sleep for a year.

Because that's what they want to believe.

Because then, they can concentrate on making sure everyone thinks they're fine.

_The second time he was gone for 3 months._

_She had seen him run that time too._

_As the limo pulled up she turned, Ryan had faded into a blurry spot. She turned to see the ocean one last time._

_The last time as Marissa._

_Before she fell into that person who drowned in sadness and vodka._

_Seth was running on the sand._

_She called out three times._

_The first, he slowed to a walk._

_The second, he turned to face her._

_And the third he smiled. And put something down on the sand._

_Then he was gone._

_She ran over._

_And lying in the sand was a little ring made out of ribbon._

_A navy ribbon with red sailboats._

_Marissa slipped it onto her ring finger._

_Afcira was better than an endless wait in Newport._

That night, the pain started.

At dinner, none of them ate.

Nerves can give you butterflies.

The shards of a broken heart are a lot worse.


	5. Delirious

_I'd like to write a happy ending…but I don't know how.-2046_

Gen: Sure you can call me Clara. I am SO glad that you love this story. And thank you SO much for ALL the compliments, but I have to say there is no way I'm a better writer than you. Very glad you liked the chapter; I decided it needed a bit of bitter-sweet instead of just all bitter. Well not really bitter, but you get what I mean. I love getting your reviews! Ahhh, I just go all warm and fuzzy inside. Nice to know I'm doing something right. And thank you so much for all the positive feedback on this chapter. I think I was just feeling discouraged. And you can quote me any time you like. I'd be honoured.C xxooxx

J: Thank you for understanding. And for reviewing ALL my stories

Em: Thanks for reading poodley. Xxooxx

Ryan91: D

A/N: I stole one of the lines in this chapter from the absolutely amazing and brilliant movie _Lost and Delirious_. I just love that line and I've always wanted to use it. so, yeah, it's not mine.

* * *

They stood at the cemetery. Beside Seth's fountain.

His commemorative fountain. It was painted sky blue and covered in fluffy white clouds. Around the rim there was a pattern of red sailboats.

Behind them stood the chapel where the funeral had been held.

Summer spun the ring the ring on her right finger. Three fingers on her left hand bore the scars of her pain. They were only the beginning of her scars.

_Guilt._

_It coursed through Summer almost as strongly as her devastation._

_Zach turned up at the funeral._

_When she saw him her guilt turned to anger._

_White hot anger._

_Beyond a rage black out._

_She slapped him._

_Hard._

_So hard she broke his cheek bone._

_And three fingers in her right hand._

_She stood before them all. Cream white lilies dotted with pink surrounded her, the scent enveloping her. _

_She stood before them all and willed herself not to cry. Her right hand was tinged purple. _

_The colour of royalty._

_She stood before them all, silently curling and uncurling the fingers of her right hand with her left. The left bore two rings. Seth's class ring and a man's ring with an I engraved. She could feel the splintered edges of her bones scraping as she moved her fingers. Pain as strong as her anger shot up her arm._

_And it helped._

_Anything was better than the other pain._

_She began to speak,_

"_The Fantastic Four wasn't Seth's Favourite comic. He had his own Fantastic Four." Her left hand fell to her side. The right was clenched in a fist._

"_CosmoGirl, Little Miss Vixen, Kid Chino and the Ironist."_

_Her knuckles turned white._

"_When we were growing up, all that mattered to him was keeping the Fantastic Four fantastic,"_

_Her fingers ached._

"_But it turned out in this comic; the good guys could never win," _

_She paused. She stood before them all, the only sound sounded like someone scratching a wall. The desperate scrabbling of a climber who was sliding down the icy walls of her own misery. _

_Into oblivion._

_But that was only heard by one person. And she wasn't sure if she was hearing herself._

"_And they never will. But they were never defeated by the bad guys. Two of them were killing each other. And one couldn't stand the slow painful death they had given each other. And now I'm saying goodbye. And I hope you can forgive me. And know that I never had to forgive you. Because, to me, nothing that you did ever needed an apology," she turned to face Seth. _

"_Did you know that after you die your hair keeps growing? And your nails? And when you sneeze your heart stops for a millisecond. Did you know that every time I kissed him all I saw was you? Cheetahs are the fastest land animals? And know every time you called I had to lock myself in the bathroom to stop myself answering? And that the only thing I ever loved more than you was you loving me? But I guess I loved to hate myself more. Because every time I breathed without you it burned me, and whenever I said anything I had to bite my tongue to stop saying your name. And hurting was easier. Easier than saying you were wrong. You were never wrong."_

_Her voice was barley audible now. Most people just saw a grief maddened girl looking at the coffin and crying._

_Most people._

_But Marissa saw Summer's heart breaking. Heard its shards cut her up. Heard the desperate whispers of someone who had lost her other half._

_She saw the beautiful irony._

_His death was a result of her impending demise._

_And he died on the day they celebrated her birth._

"_Well...you were wrong. Wrong to believe I stopped loving you. And wrong to keep loving me. Did you know that after seven years all the cells in your body are different? And now there is nothing left in me of the little girl you fell in love with. And you were wrong when you said I was beautiful. When you said I was perfect. Because I loved you. and when you love something…you have a weakness. You can't be perfect if you're weak. So I guess you were wrong. " _

Have you ever been really thirsty, and you opened a carton of milk and poured it into your mouth and it's…sour?

Memories can leave the same taste in your mouth.

That taste that makes you remember everything that's wrong with you.

The imperfections.

The flaws.

The failures.

And turn you sour inside.

And it's forever.


	6. My Darling Clementine

They decided to scatter his ashes from the top of a cliff. Below them lay the ocean. He'd left a note. It told them when he wanted to be scattered. Who was to set him free.

He chose dusk.

He chose her.

The sea was red in the dying light of the sun.

_He was Ryan's best man. They wore roses in their button holes. Not red roses. Pink roses. Her dress was a pale, pale pink. Like a sunrise on snow. _

"_Hey,"_

"_Hey,"_

"_How you doing?" _

_A smile. _

"_Shouldn't I be asking you that, Marissa soon to be Cohen?"_

"_I think we've known each other long enough for you to know I'm…"_

"_Indescribably happy? Yeah, I think you're right. And, I'm fine."_

"_Three of the most powerful words in the English language, Seth. **I Am Fine**."_

The wind was blowing out to sea.

She held the urn close to her chest. Around her right wrist was a faint circle of bruises. Whenever she found herself going into that place where it was just her and the thick sadness she snapped the elastic around her wrist. It was like when people tried to stop biting their nails. When they realize, they snap the band as a reminder. It was almost a primal thing; do this and there is pain.

A circle of ribbon surrounded her left wrist. She took the lid off the urn, and held it high above her head in her right hand.

His ashes flew.

She smiled.

"_So long Seth" _She lowered the urn and the silence was broken by the snap of an elastic.

"_You ready?"_

"_Are you?"_

"_I'm fine"_

"_Good, I love you,"_

"_Love you too,"_

"_Any particular reason why I'm walking you down the aisle and not your dad?"_

_She looked at him in the mirror and tilted her head. He knew that look._

"_Right then. Let's go" _

_Marissa took Seth's arm and breathed._

No one really understood how much his death had hurt her. They underestimate how much it hurt.

He wasn't her brother.

He wasn't her son.

She wasn't in love with him.

She was his friend.

It was almost as if she didn't have the right to collapse in grief because she was just his friend.

**Just His Friend.**

Three words that made her grief seem like a blip. Implied it wasn't nearly as crushing as Summer's. Or Ryan's. Or any other friend. He didn't have many friends. And those three words dismissed her from his life.

_Eighth grade. She had gone away for half the summer and Summer had become very close to a girl called Odette._

"_Like in the Swan Princess!"  
_

"_That's great Sum. Listen, do you want to sleep over tonight? And do the thing we usually do the day before your birthday tomorrow?"_

"_Sorry Coop, but Ete's sleeping over tonight. You can come if you want, but you know how step-mummy gets with more than one person."_

_**I Am Sorry.**_

"_Uh, yeah. Well maybe we can do the shopping thing tomorrow anyway?"_

"_Sure, but not 'till like two o'clock. Ete's taking me-" she hung up before she could hear what wonderful place the faceless girl she already hated was taking her best friend._

_**Her Best Friend.**_

_Tears soaked her pillow that night._

"_You can just do things with your other friends, darling. Be independent."_

"_But…it's like she's a part of me. I can't lose a part of me. I can't lose her."_

_**Can't Lose Her.**_

_She had cried until her nose and eyes were so puffy you could hardly see where one stopped and the other began. And after the tears she settled into the warmth of her misery. It was like sinking in to mousse. Warm, blanketing strawberry mousse._

_One. _

_Two._

_Three._

_She never told Summer. Odette left the next month. Summer didn't care. That helped._

"_I missed you,"_

_A puzzled hug._

"_I didn't leave."_

_**Don't leave me.**_

**Three**. Snap.

The urn fell from her fingers to the rocks below.

All her life she had ignored things in hope of them going away and leaving her alone. You couldn't know what she was thinking. She couldn't know.

**Just His Friend.**

She ignored his sadness. She tried to talk to him.

_I should have tried harder._

**You should have.**

He ignored his sadness. And he went away.

**Don't Leave Me.**

That night they needed each others strength.

Marissa crawled into Summer's bed. They lay next to each other, sharing a pillow. Marissa lay on her side, seeing Summer. She saw the pendant of her necklace lying on the pillow. The thin silver chain pooling next to it. She saw the butterfly backs of the matching earrings.

Summer turned over. They looked at each other without blinking. Slowly Summer closed her eyes. And in the darkness, there was safety. In the comforting arms of her friend.

She could feel her hair tickling her collar bone and the tears soaked her flannel pajamas. The tremors that ran through her friend's body.

When the trembling stopped, Marissa lay still with the familiar sleeping weight of her friend against her.

**Two.**

Tears slipped from her eyes and woke Summer as they dripped on her shoulders and ran down her back.

**Best friends Forever.**

That was the promise they made.

It was eerie. **Three** hundred and sixty seven days ago they had spent a night almost exactly the same. Crying into each others hair and being comforted by old childhood rituals.

They knew each other better than they knew themselves. Marissa didn't notice the way Summer banged her heel against her shin in an effort to stop crying in movies. Not until she saw the bruises the next day. She didn't realize she hummed _My Darling Clementine_ in ads until Summer joined her.

As she looked down and saw her almost blonde hair twining with Summer's, she remembered something that was half thought, half quote.

_I could die right now and...I'm exactly where I want to be...this is where I loved you and you loved me._

Love was what saved you.

And there was only one person left in the world for all her love for Ryan.

Verity.

**One**


	7. Goodbyes

A/N: Hey everyone.I'm just here to remind you to review. Well, beg you really. _Please, please, please _review! See this? This is my begging face. I assure you it's convincing.

**Disclaimer: I've been forgetting these. I do not own any of the characters from the OC.**

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Summer and Marissa sat together on an old park bench overlooking the sea. It was not unlike where they had scattered Seth's ashes the week before. Summer held Verity. 

_They had both faked sick. Summer and Marissa walked across the deserted basketball courts. Marissa flopped down on the warm courts, leaning back on her elbows and rolling her feet in._

"_Well, that's elegant," Summer said sitting down neatly beside her._

_Marissa looked up at the sky._

"_What is it?"_

"What is it?"

"What?"

"I can tell you want to say something, so just say it,"

Marissa kept looking at the sky, but all her attention was focused on Summer.

"I need for you to understand something. I need for you to remember this Summer. It's not your fault,"

Summer's gaze dropped down to Verity, who was sucking a dummy.

"And, I know, sometimes blaming yourself is easier. It's easier to put the blame somewhere…somewhere other than him. But in the end it was him. And he did die. Blaming yourself won't change it."

A beat.

A blink.

"You, you want to talk about…"

"Seth, Summer. I want to talk to you about Seth. He was the love of your life and, he died. And…you weren't there when it happened. You couldn't stop him. You couldn't save him. You couldn't die with him."

"I was the one who was supposed to die." She whispered.

A sigh.

Marissa glanced down at her friend then back at the sky.

"But, when he died, everything in me died with him. I shouldn't be able to go on living. I shouldn't be alive. But I am. Because he died."

"He made a choice Summer. I don't know if…maybe it doesn't work like that, but he died, and you're alive. Now, maybe you were supposed to die but, it was a fair trade, a life for a life. And there's no one else on this Earth who's precious enough for that gift except you. I need you, Sum. I need you to be alive. Not just to exist."

"I will. And that-that's what's frightening me. Deep down, I'm okay. He died, and I can deal with that. How can I be able to deal with that? He-I-All my life, no one has ever meant that much to me. Not in that way. And the world is still spinning. I don't understand how it could be. I don't understand how people can be living their lives. I don't know why I'm okay. And, when I look forward, I can still see the world spinning. And it shouldn't be. When I look forward, I only see me. I've never only seen me."

"Well, here," Marissa said pushing a big pink duffle bag towards Summer.

"This should be enough stuff for a week, and here are the keys to the apartment in New York, when you want to go and get the rest of her stuff."

"The rest of her stuff? Marissa-what do you mean? Why would I need a bag of Verity's things?" Marissa smiled and her friend, a very watery smile, but a smile.

"I'm going away for a while Sum."

"Away?"

"I have…need to find Ryan. I've tried forgetting, and it didn't work. Forgetting doesn't work."

"But, you have no idea where he went! You can't just-just take off Marissa! You can't just leave your baby!"

"Don't try it."

"Try what! You're being completely irresponsible!"

"Don't pick a fight with me so you don't have to say goodbye."

Marissa and Ryan stood outside the funeral home together.

"_I'm going to go for a walk," he said. _

"_Don you want me to come with you?"_

"_It's alright,"_

_And there was something different._

_She saw that._

_So she hugged her husband tight._

_And whispered._

"I'm not, for once, I'm stopping you running away from your responsibilities!"

"Summer, I can't do this, I can't keep waiting. Sandy and Kirsten need Ryan back, I need him back, I think you need him back too. Without him, Verity has no father. He doesn't even know she exists! If I don't do this, the world will stop spinning, and quite possibly fall off its axis. I just need you to take care of my daughter while I find her father."

"But…what'll I do without you?"

"I've been in New York and you went without me. You won't be alone. You get to play fairy godmother"

"This isn't a fairytale."

"It was never meant to be."

Silently Summer handed Verity to her mother. Marissa cradled her baby and walked.

She wondered that she could love so much, that she could love so hard. She loved that little girl so much it made her throat constrict and her breathing slow. Like her life was pouring out with her love.

"Verity means truth, remember that bubba. Truth. Love is eternal, remember that too. And nothing in this world has even been as loved as you."

"Are you ready?"

"Almost, I'm not leaving without saying goodbye."

"You don't need too, remember, '_Cheerio, not goodbye' _?"

"Goodbye this time," Marissa smiled.

_Oliver_ had great songs.

"Well, goodbye then. Be careful and don't get hurt. And I love you."

And there she was, Marissa's dearest friend in the world, holding her baby and saying goodbye.

"Goodbye Summer. A thousand Seth's couldn't love you like I do, and no one ever will."

"Will you promise me something then?"

Marissa looked away.

"Promise me you'll come back" she said.

"I promise"

"_I'll love you as far as you can count, for ever"_

And on the otherside of nowhere, Ryan remembered what the last thing she said to him.

"Forever's longer than you think"


	8. Heart

A/N: Howdy All! I'm setting up a challenge! I would really love if any of you guys wanted to respond, and I'm not exactly sure how these things work, so anyone whose interested please just email me and I'll send you the line I have for the challenge.My email is for **major(underscore)chicken(at)hotmail(dot)com** for anyone who wants to contact me. Please head the emails"Challenge". Or better yet, just review and leave your email address and what you would like! Thank you all very much for reading this story, and this long authors note. I wouldn't be able to keep writing without all your wonderful reviews! Love CBS

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She never would have found him if she hadn't know where to look. But she did know. She'd know for a long time. She wondered why she hadn't looked before but she already knew the answer to that. 

The plane ride had been hell. She was still breast-feeding Verity, so even a hundred thousand feet in the air, her baby's cries reached her. But the flight to San Francisco wasn't that long, and she knew that Summer would be taking care of her baby. That at least, was true.

"_What am I going to do while you're gone?" he whined her as she packed her bag. Marissa was heading up to LA for the weekend, and Ryan was staying in Newport. Seth was over for the month, and they didn't want to give him a chance to slip away._

"_I don't know, how about…one of those massive Playstation tournaments you and Seth love so much?"_

"_I don't know maybe…maybe we'll go to San Francisco while you're gone!"_

"_San Fran? Why? I mean, it's lovely, but you're the one who wanted to stay in Newport."_

"_If I go there, I know I'll be loved,"_

"_And why's that?"_

"_I'm a sexy guy. I'm sure I'd feel the love if I wandered into a gay bar."_

"_There are gay bars here," she replied, taking his bait. _

"_Yeah but not _gay_ bars" _

"_That's a bit stereotypical of you"_

"_Hey! It's not like made up the reputation! God, I just suggest something and you -"_

"_What're you doing?"_

"_I'm just saying, I -" _

"_What you're doing mister, is picking a fight, so you can fume at me while I'm gone, and not miss me"_

"_So you caught me"_

"_Sometimes I feel like I'm your mother"_

Dawn had never seen dawn.

Well, not in Ryan's lifetime. His birth mother, who had sought only to please his father.

"_You know how your father feels about that Ryan, so no more of that silly crying…I'm sure your knee will be fine. No. Stop. If you don't stop I'll have to tell daddy. That's better"_

The father who had offered her a life time of safety and oppression, which he sold to a drug dealer. Who had shared happy times with his family, that could be counted on one hand. He had given her ruby earrings once. It seemed ironic to him, even at six years old.

A gift of blood.

A reminder and a premonition

Love hurts.

He'd tell you that any day.

Love clawed at your soul, it demanded to be let in. It screamed and railed and cried and bit.

Love made you bleed.

It made you feel and hurt and wish and punch and kiss and break and tear.

It made you love.

Ryan loved without meaning to. He loved when it was better not to. His heart always seemed to leave the back door unlocked. He was pretty sure it was one of those swinging doors. You open it for someone and it comes back and hits you in the face. And the thing is, with those stupid doors, people can always get through.

Now, we have to remember something here. Inner dictation is something we all do. Ongoing and mindless musings and mumblings. Often circulating about something we don't want to think about. Ever.

His mother for instance. She popped into his mind when he needed to be doing something. He worried about her.

_howisshe?worry,worry,worry.imustntworry.shesfine.whereisshe?maybeishouldcallher.tobesure.but,ineedto…notcallher.but,whatissheneedstotalktome.doesshehavetonumber?whatifshessick?whatifshesloneley?iknowwheresheis.physically.shedoesnthavemynumber.shellbeworried.ihateworryingher.but,but,but,but,but…_

Kirsten, who had been determined to keep him out of the house, had somehow let him into her heart. Her door was different. It had a doorman, and a queue. And somehow, he had ended up in that queue. And been bounced up. He never wanted to be there. That was something else wrong with his heart. It was like a caravan. A caravan with a God-damn swinging door. It would rumble along and he'd hop out to see where it had taken him. That time, he'd somehow ended up shuffled onto a faintly purple carpet, standing behind a gold rope. The doorman had politely tipped his hat, _"It won't be long now, she did pull you here." _The door had opened a few times, and people had been thrown out. Caleb took his place in the line behind Ryan. And then, he was given a pass and let in. the pass said UNCONDITIONAL. He then went and joined Sandy and Seth in the U section.

And once love was there, it settled down. Ryan never stopped loving. His heart was too full. He was scared it would spill over. So many people had walked through that door. That damn door. If you bolted it from the inside, people just pulled it open, and they could unlock it from the outside.

Seth and Sandy walked in the front door of his heart. Just walked right on in and settled down.

No questions

No Answers

Just Love.

-----------------------------Love-------------------Was  
------------------ Something-----He---------Could------Never  
---------------Shut-------------------OUT.-------------------It  
-------------Invaded-------------------------------------------And  
--------------Dared------------------------------------------Him  
---------------To---------------------------------------Imagine  
----------------Life------------------------------------Without  
------------------It.----------------------------------------He  
--------------------Loved-------------------------------Too  
---------------------Much------------------------------He  
-----------------------Let--------------------------Them  
--------------------------All-------------------------In,  
----------------------------But--------------------She  
------------------------------Was---------------The  
--------------------------------One------------He  
----------------------------------Couldn't---Get  
----------------------------------------OUT.

So he wasn't really surprised when she pulled up the stool next to him in one of San Francisco's gay bars.

But, to his horror, he felt his heart recognise her. And once it remembered the love her had for Marissa.

All that pain came crashing down again.


	9. Why

_A/N: I am very so about my lazy updates. But, finally, I have a new chapter for you guys. I've been working on the final chapter of this story for a while, so at the moment, I'm just trying to figure out how we get there. Thank you all so much for sticking with this expositional, and depressing story for a whole nine chapters, especially since the updates are so slow! Hope you all had a wonderful holidays, love CBS._

_A/N II: Please, everyone review! Even if it's just short I'd love to hear from you all, and now I can get back to you all with the new messaging thingo! So please review! _

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**A/N: I thought I'd leave my original author's notes up. I just rewrote this chapter coz I thought it was a horrible and lazy chapter. And you guys definitely deserve better.

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**

She was even less surprised by the look of horror on his face. She knew about emotion walls. She was the _Queen _of emotional walls. And irrelevantly, she was the Queen of Hearts. Seventh grade. Long story. But more importantly she was the Queen of Ryan's heart.

"Hello lover. Miss me?"

_thud. _The bar faintly echoed with the sound of Ryan's head hitting the counter as his hand slipped from under his chin. He was drunk and in shock, a dangerous combination for motor skills.

_creak. _Marissa's face muscles strained as they returned to the once familiar position of the baptized "Ryan smile". It had been too long. Much too long.

"Hey," Marissa said turning to the barman. "Happen to know where my husband lives?"

The barman was a peroxide blonde called Stan, and looked at Marissa oddly. You didn't see women in this bar, not real ones at any rate. And this guy was her husband? He'd figured he drank himself under the table every night because he hadn't figured out how to tell the folks his secret. But he'd been here almost every night for months. And back a couple of months, when the guy had first fallen from the barstool, Stan and Gareth, the bouncer had had to stumble him home between them.

"Yeah, third block of apartments on Woodland, he's in number three. Need any help getting him there?"

"I think I'll be okay. Thanks." The pretty blonde smiled at Stan, and turned and walked out of the bar with her husband draped over her.

_Seventh grade, Camp, Santa Rosa._

_A giant board of black and white Squares._

_She is the monarch, the white Queen._

_Together, her, Summer, and the other girls battle against the forces of darkness and testosterone._

_But boys always cheat. _

_And they expect rewards._

_A kiss on the cheek, stealing away some of her innocence._

_And labeling her the "Queen of Hearts"_

_To her ears, it's not much better than slut. _

_The loss is an insult to their intelligence. And a sham. They all knew how to win. Manipulation is something learnt with walking. But the boys cheat and they let them. they always have. That way, they keep the power._

_They can stop letting them at anytime._

_The girls look on jealously as she is called "highness". For now, she decides who gets away with cheating._

_And whose heads roll._

Power was always something she'd had.

Strength wasn't.

She heaved him up the stairs, his heels whacking against one, with painfully long intervals in between. She nearly drops the keys, as she tries to hold her husband in one hand. But she gets in.

For her, he always has an entrance.

It wasn't much. A couch, a television, a coffee table. A small kitchen and a bathroom. A single bed with floral sheets and eight pillows. At least some things never changed.

"_Do you seriously sleep with this many pillows in your bed?"_

"_Of course. Why else would they be here?"_

"_I don't know, decoration?"_

"_I can be decorative and practical at the same time,"_

"_Marissa, you've got eight pillows here. What could you possibly need all of them for?"_

"_Well, I have two about a pillow width apart, and then two overlapping ones on them. A pillow in the centre of them, two on either side of my and my special pillow."_

"_Oh, okay. Actually, that sounds quite comfortable."_

"_And it's decorative."_

She settled Ryan in a nest of pillows, and headed to the couch.

Three throw pillows.

Red.

Blue.

Yellow.

She threw the red to the ground and sat. It was a comfy couch. The apartment was quite beautiful really. From bay windows there was a glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge and the expansive sea of roofs and scenery which completed San Francisco.

It was easy. Easier than what she faced doing in the morning. The window was an escape. It offered her other people's lives, to watch and wonder at, to pretend were her own.

She looked and she saw.

And for every smile she wondered if the world would balance it with a frown. If it worked that way, she had a whole lot of happiness waiting for her. But maybe she'd already been given it all.

There were so many things to explain to him.

And she wasn't sure if he was ready.

How could he be the savior if he couldn't save himself?

He was stronger though. He was stronger than Seth. Seth was supposed to be the one, the one to save Summer from the invasion that burned her body and boiled her blood. The illness that wanted her gone from the world. He was supposed to be her strength. He was going to sit by her bedside and talk to her and believe. And through it all their love would conquer all.

But he hadn't found it. After fighting for so long his reserves were gone. They were dwindling when he sat down for dinner, his mind already contemplating giving up. She was still just out of his reach, and now, he believed, always would be. There were two fronts in this war. The war with his heart, which he had to fight to keep going. And the fight with the creeping sadness which spoke of lost opportunities and what should have been. The sadness which struck in idle times, around three o'clock, when it was too late to do anything, and too early for dinner. The news that the one person in the world who gave him something to hope for was leaving was the atom bomb. It stopped the idea of continuing.

Marissa had figured Seth out. So she knew that the only reason Ryan was stronger was because of what she was going to give him, and what she had already given him.

Love is what saves us.

From a loveless childhood, he was suddenly given the Cohen's. The reason Seth had failed was because, at the core of his being there was a belief. That somehow it was all going to turn out alright.

Ryan had never been so hopeful.

But for all his tragedies and cynicism, he wished these fairytale endings on others.

All she had to do was hand him the last thing to push him back into fighting.

Something to fight for.


	10. Verte

A/N: Well here it finally is. Happy begining of Fall! I've gone back and re-written some of chapter nine, because it was just awful. So now, hopefully, it's better. It hasn't really changed that much, in regards to plot (there's a plot? where?), so don't feel like you have to read it. Happy reading with this chapter! And please review!

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Writing really revolutionized communication. And not just in the obvious ways. People write things they can never say, and still manage to get heard. So when she left a note for Ryan on the fridge, she blessed the alphabet. 

For once, there was something that let her be a coward.

"Meet me across the road, under the big maple tree.  
I'll tell you about Verity, she's our baby.  
Love M."

She walked across the road and looked at her hand. Stretched it so she could see the bones (or was it tendons?) moving. So she could see the sign of love everlasting.

_Her little hand reached out into the sunlight. It was so pale, having never seen the sun before. She fancied that she could see the little bones through the almost translucent skin, under the blue of veins. And then Marissa realised, how incredibly tiny her daughters hand was. _

_Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood. _

The maple was so familiar. It smelled of sweetness and summer. It smelled of innocence.

_She walked the same to home every day. It was a back way, cutting through a baby meadow and over the tiny creek onto the path. She'd taken it for month before she saw a lizard._

_The grass was long and swishy then. The council workers hadn't been around to cut it for months. It swished around her knees as she walked. Now she looked forward to her walk home from the bus stop. Despite the wonderful fairytale feel the grass gave her, she picked her way gingerly through it everyday. You never knew if there would be a snake, especially in long grass. And nature was not something to be trifled with. Especially not reptiles. _

_It was on one of the swishy grass, hot summer days that a deep fear of the unknown was instilled in her. She leapt across the creek and underneath her an unknown…thing scrambled and splashed away up stream. She barely stifled the shock and terror filled scream. She flew up the bank, scabby blisters on her heels tearing a little in the struggle to get up faster that humanly possible. _

_She didn't know what had run away from her. The next day she stood in front of the baby meadow contemplating using the way again. It looked still. She stood for a long time, searching for signs of danger. Just as she was about to step forward, she saw something in the corner of her eye. A lizard. The shock was almost as bad as the day before. Reptiles became the face of every unknown fear she pitted herself again when outdoors. _

"_Love is a little thing shaped like a lizard. It runs up and down, and tickles your gizzard." _

Upstairs, Ryan was reading the note. He was crying, and it was giving him a headache.

She'd been sitting there for a while. An hour maybe, maybe longer. She wondered if he was even up yet. She didn't know if she'd actually ever seen Ryan completely smashed. That was usually her role.

"_You're my mockingbird. You love me, and you forgive me, and you've never hurt me more than you've healed me. And I know you probably won't remember this, but when you're a little drunk, I feel like you need me. And I need you so much. You're my tequila mocking bird."_

The leaves were so green. _Vert(e). _They weren't falling yet. In a few months though, the tree would be naked and shivering. The perfect green leaves would not longer me symmetrical. They wouldn't sway in sync.

"_Hello lover," Ryan said walking into her room._

"_Buffy marathon with Seth?"_

"_Yep, season two and three in one night," He sat on the bed and lay down with his head on her stomach, "whatcha' reading?"_

"_New Vogue," It was nice, listening to her suck peanut butter off and spoon and feel her breathing. _

"_The pages don't sound like fashion," he says after a while, leaning over to look at what she's really reading. She sighs in a happy way._

"_You caught me."_

"_New record?"_

"_I think so,"_

"_So, what're you really reading?"_

"'Ordinary People' _by Judith Guest,"_

"_Can I have Vogue then?" he asked with a grin._

"_Checking what's in store for you and the other Capricorns this month?"_

"_I might just,"_

"_You know, I think I should've been a Gemini. They're supposed to have two personalities. I'd be the person I am, and the person I want to be,"_

"_I think you suit Libra. For all your emotions, you're incredibly calm when most people are freaking out. You know where to look when you're walking. You keep your head up, but your nose isn't in the air so you can see where you're going. Most people look down because their scared of falling."_

"_Wow, so you're like Dr. Phil now?_

"_It's because I always end up reading one of you're magazines when I come over."_

She'd been there for longer now. But under the tree, life was beautiful. So she didn't mind.

So she didn't notice the funny creaking noises that came from above.

She didn't notice the tree was dying until it was taking her with it.

He hears her calling.

And he hits the ground running.

Grief is much more like a cloud than a fog.

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